Perhaps you've been through this thing enough now to expect the red-horned thoughts. But isn't it funny how you still have trouble discerning rational thoughts from irrational ones after you brain gets slaughtered by neurotoxins?
Lyme messes with our ability to reason. Seriously.
Whenever I'm in the midst of doing harsh treatments (which I've recently taken up again), it seems that everyone around me turns a different shade of ugly, and I must remind myself that I really do love the beasts.
Which is hard to do after I've lost four nights of sleep, my body aches, and my liver is raging from all the toxins that have been poured into it (too many toxins in the liver produces anger, incidentally, so it's not just the brain causing the messy thoughts).
During these times, if I'm smart, I will tell myself, "C'mon...c'mon...you can do it...you really don't hate the whole world, you just don't feel good..."
One of the reasons that relationships break up over Lyme is because people with Lyme lose their ability to reason, which in turn, distorts their perspective of their relationships and reality.
Because of such distortions, they make bad decisions. They say and do things they don't mean or which aren't beneficial for their wellbeing, and their outlook on life becomes bleak.
Of course, everyone sees the world and reality through tinted lenses, but in the person with Lyme disease, the shades can be exceptionally dark.
Having an awareness of how Lyme affects our ability to reason, and explaining this problem to loved ones can help mitigate problems as we navegate the healing process.
Personally, I have found that it's possible to live in truth when neurotoxins conspire to paint a warped picture of reality, when I get down on my knees and ask my god to show me that truth. When I am quiet and willing to listen, I get a picture of how things really are, and what I must do to stay my thoughts upon reality.
But then I have to walk in that truth, and continue to acknowledge the voice of God's Spirit within me, so that I don't go back down the dark road of irrationality.
Yes, it's difficult to stay in this reality when you feel absolutely horrible. It's a constant effort, and when you are tired the last thing you may want to do is meditate upon truth.
Besides, if you are someone who seeks comfort from God, as I do, you may find that even God turns ugly when your reasoning goes out the window, and you want nothing to do with Him.
I encourage you to push through it, because you will feel better for it. Trust me.
Sometimes unfortunately, our biochemistry also affects our perspective of God. I am writing a chapter about this in my new book on spiritual healing, because I believe that it's important to recognize the role of brain dysfunction in faith.
If you believe in the God of Christianity, then you know that faith is a gift from God, but if your Spirit isn't strong or you don't realize His power within you to overcome, then your biochemistry may win out in the war of your thoughts.
In any case, I believe that even those with the strongest of spirits struggle in their faith when faced with incredible physical and mental challenges.
Knowing this is beneficial for when we go through such struggles, because if we recognize the demonic toxins and their effect upon our minds for what they are, we can then more easily take hold of, challenge, and replace those thoughts with something better. Or at least not beat ourselves to a pulp for not loving our neighbors a little more, or for not feeling any warm fuzzies towards God in our suffering.
I used to curse God whenever the full moon or some horrible Herx would hit me. I would think He didn't love me and that He didn't care if I was ever made well. I have grown. Most often, I don't blame Him anymore, because I don't buy into the lousy thoughts that result from my troubled biochemistry. I have learned that those suggestions don't represent what the "real me" would think under better circumstances, and so I discard them.
If you find that prayer doesn't bring you back to a peaceful place of reality, why not find a good book or funny movie and retreat from the loved ones until you feel some signs of sanity returning?
I know, it's not possible for everyone. Some of you have children or a spouse to attend to, or people that you must work with all day long. I sympathize with you. We really need an escape from others when the monsters come to take over our brains, not only for our peace but theirs, too. We don't want to hurt or confuse them with our mixed-up words and actions, and sometimes, it's easier to just escape, instead of trying to be sane, logical people around them.
Finally, I encourage you not to beat yourself up for your thoughts. Your brain and body are being forced to function amidst serious biochemical deficiencies and an onslaught of bug sludge, which inevitably produce imperfect thoughts. Give yourself some grace and space to be crazy. It will one day all pass, and in that day, you will see yourself, God, and the world in a better, brighter light.